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Sunday, August 13th, 2006
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i heart kristina.
alot.
word.
i kinda like zissou.
he is annoying and smells like fish.
but ok i love him.
whats up lj friends ive missed u...
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your's is the first face that i saw
think i was blind before i met you
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I haven't updated in a while, atleast about anything relevant, just threw things in to show that im still alive. It's four in the morning and im restless as hell. I've laid in bed for about an hour or so, but my mind is racing. I've gone a while care free, somewhat, and its was a good break. But still things seem to find there way from the back of my mind. High School is over, i never thought id make it this far... literally. Now it's time to begin life, and im delaying as much as possible. Theres things i still dont understand and i don't want to move on yet. But maybe its not as important as i think, or maybe more than i feel it to be. Regardless of all that, its been awhile since i thought of anyone in particular, atleast for more than a few weeks. Thats one thing that will keep you up at night. I've missed the feeling of choking on my own words. Atleast it reminds me that i still have emotions. Hopefully i haven't scared her away already, im usually one step behind. I discovered that when im nervous i begin to chain smoke, more than i already do. One thing that i wish i never started, smoking. I know when i think to much on what to say, i come out with nothing. I've known that for awhile, but i cant prevent it. I get to uptight, i guess thats the right word, sometimes. I hate thinking of what kind of person i want to be, when im the complete opposite. Things like this keep me up at night, these dreams and thoughts, i feel they just make me weak. Because when i wake up in the morning i feel completed different than i wanted to feel hours before. Im going to cut this short though, i need to sleep. I know this though, from now on im going to stop thinking on everything as much, stop being so tense... because all i need to do is let the words come out and im home free. Im going to sweep her off her feet. I swear.
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Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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Last day of being at school, even though i was hardly there at all. Last chance to make any lasting impressions on anyone, with that, any impression that i made is far from lasting. Maybe theres still hope for me.
It may not make sense from this, but i had a purpose at first.
I need to get that number.
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The Keys to Your Heart
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You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. |
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered. |
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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
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So anyone want to go to prom?
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| Time: | 4:29 pm. |
| Mood: |  relieved. |
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Fuck Yea! Spring Break! Time to Par-tay Bitches!
If i dont come back, i probably wasnt sober enough to swim, and drowned in the ocean.
Love.
If anyone else is in Panama City this weekend give me a call, we can party at the beach.
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This isn't for a lost love or a decieved friend. These aren't words of encouragment, or words of sorrow. This isn't angst, this isn't devastation. This is all for what it is, and what i've always wanted it to be. It is just as you'll make it out to be. Words that have been bred from thoughts of lust, hate, discrimination, and heartache. Derived from these thoughts and dreams that I can only wish to comprehend. Laying restless in this dispostion, yet if i could think with more optimism, I could consider it an advantage. But only with the consumption of these mass produced bottles of poison, I can escape these everday insecurities, meanwhile letting my entrails rot.While laying numb next to a campfire, under the stars. I considered letting go for a few hours. But the thoughts and demons in the back of my mind couldn't resist attacking me at such a vulnerable state, injecting a virus where solitude and antipathy take over. For the most part, the memory of it all blurs together. But the remembrance of huddling up in a cardboard box in a dark bathroom, sort of ignites my memory. I can't recall what I wanted to write, or the preordained entry that I wasn't able to submit at the time. So im just going to end it as it is. Getting myself nowhere as usual, sounding blurred together and all, but whatever, It happens.
A song I wrote, unfinished, a rough draft.
The Crucifixion
For her, I strain to say “Darling ill make your grave.” It’s sickening, these games we play… It’s sickening, the way you say “I want you, I want you back…” with those tear scarred eyes, prove it’s just another heartless attempt, to scorn at me with these words, because no one else would listen… yet beautiful you come off to me, in your ways you proceed to be. Under all this heartache you’re a silent killer, hair pulled back and mascara dripping. The blade stays intact with the skin; a crimson sea begins emerging from the hollows of these veins. Your desperate attempt to rid me of these sins, only allows more vulnerable pains to begin. Pinpoint pain and narrow down the affection, roses thorns are a god sent blessing, as they tear this flesh from my dying grip. You plague my thoughts as the sun settles, that casts a shadow upon this vacant lot… a bloody angel wishing for death as the lovers trot to there foreseen destination. A period of silence, followed by a period of sorrow. Counting the seconds till this heavenly departure.
Lustful vengeance and conceived well-being, thoughtless rumors against these romantic evenings… our candle lit dinner… where the flames blown out, from your ignorant accusations… and broken promises… at least that’s what you suspected. “Beg for mercy” you whispered in my ear… but I thought you knew me… id die before I lost my dignity (at least what I have left). Lay me out in this modern day crucifix, slit wrist and broken ankles… the blade you lodge in these ribs, aiming for the heart you missed. But I’m not a prince, so instead of a crown… a kiss of death upon this brow.
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I just bought A Vintage Guide to Classical Music, whichs tells the history of Music from the Middle Ages and Renaissance on. So im going to start reading that tonight, Im pretty excited. For my birthday i think im going to go to the Opera, Beethoven's Fidelio is showing on the night of my birthday, so im going to try and convince my parents to take me. Other than that nothing really interesting is happening, bye.
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Saturday, March 19th, 2005
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Today i found myself doubting every aspect of my life. I questioned everything, and it was almost unbearable. Every word that anyone spoke agitated me until i couldnt take it. Upon that i was doing yard work all day, and in the middle of it i had to run inside, because i seriously broke down. So i laid down and tried to lose myself in a dream. Whatever that dream was, it made the day a little bit better. Im to lonely right now, im to confused, im to fucking lost. I just dont get myself anymore, if i ever did then i wish i could go back to that. I quit doing certain things, because i want to gain peoples respect, but it only seems that it either stays the same or decreases. I dont have a meaning, i cant fing a meaning. And that only makes this that much harder. Every time I write in this, I tell myself this is the last time I will, but it almost feels like this is my only source of communication with the outside world.
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Despite the fact that I am beginning to hate everything that I write, im going to try and continue on. This weekend was alright. Friday I saw the movie hostage with my family. It was good, this chick stabs this guy on the side of the mouth. Saturday I took my sister and her friends to the Masquerade, because they wanted to go to that battle of the bands... it was decent, or maybe i just dont want to sound too negative. As we were walking in some skin-head mother fucker was like, "your embarrasing me" or some shit like that. I guess he just wanted to start shit, i had a knife on me, i should have decked him then carved a swastaka in his forehead. We had a bottle of jack and smirnoff vodka at my house friday... matt, tom, daniel, andy, and scott were over. Drank a good bit, I pissed on some guys mail box down the street, which ive done to about three houses now in the neighborhood just from being drunk. Then i said we should light fireworks and andy and I went to someones house and stuck it in the mailbox, it was one of those damn mortars, luckily it like rolled out, or we could have gotten into some shit. We we got back to my house my dad was yelling for me. He was kind of pissed. It was like 1 or so and it woke him up and he was like you better not have beer and shit down there so i panicked and hit everything. Meanwhile i was still pretty wasted. But it was a good time. Blah, but now thinking about it still makes me sick, im not a big drinker so it still makes me want to puke. I really dont have much to write but im not doing anything so i decided to throw something together.
If anyone wants to chill sometime just say. bye.
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Thursday, March 10th, 2005
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I Want to to
Write
Something
that
has have
a
Meaning
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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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smoking cigarette butts from these ashtrays that just lay scattered around my room, i really need to find a better habit.
i searched for some wisdom today, but all those i encountered made me feel just as ignorant and clueless as i portrayed them to be.
Tried to think about falling in love, but i realized im probably better off alone. Some people are just made that way.
I watched a documentary on a man that built a cabin in the Wilderness of Alaska, and lived there in solitude for 35 years until he got to old to maintain his lifestyle. Thats my dream right there.
so i better start packing my bags.
write me.
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Saturday, March 5th, 2005
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This is all im going to post, because its to nice to stay inside.
Bright Eyes-Landlocked blues
If you walk away, I'll walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday
So you walk that way, I'll walk this way
And the future hangs over heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls all around like a cold, steady rain
Just stay in when it's looking this way
And the moon's laying low in the sky
Forcing everything metal to shine
And the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case
They argue, walk this way, no, walk this way
And Laura's asleep in my bed
As I'm leaving, she wakes up and says
I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
Baby, don't go away, come here
And there's kids playing guns in the street
And one's pointing his tree branch at me
And so I put my hands up, I say enough is enough
If you walk away, I'll walk away
And he shot me dead
I found a liquid cure from my landlocked blues
It would pass the way like a slow parade
It's leaving, but I don't know how soon
And the world's got me dizzy again
You think after twenty-two years I'd be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I'm always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I'm balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
If you love something, give it away
A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended, and you may be afraid
But don't walk away, don't walk away
We made love on the living room floor
With the noise in the background from a televised war
And in that deafening pleasure, I thought I heard someone say
If we walk away, they walk away
But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedom's a joke, we're just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad, comic display
If you're still free, start running away
Cause we're coming for you
I've grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of faith
Saying, let me walk away, please
You'll be free child once you have died
From the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical grace
'Til then walk away, walk away, walk away
So I'm up at dawn
Putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I'm leaving, but I dont know where to
I know I'm leaving, but I dont know where to
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Sunday, February 27th, 2005
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So it began when i was relaxing in the shower, sitting back thinking... i came up with the most ingenius idea for a song. I came up with some badass bass line... I thought of some awesome lyrics and just the structure of the song itself, i havent seen done before... well not like this atleast. From that it branched off into just i cant even describe the topic, its perfect.. Its going to probably to take a few to perfect it though... but if i can get this done, this will be the push i need. Once i get this completed i think i can finally make my dreams come true.... Its unbelievable. Because writers block has been kicking my ass and i just finally got through it. The entry may be a little chaotic, well in the structure and grammar... and i dont know why i really care... about that... i just thought i should say it... again i go with all that bs. BUT im excited. i think it will be.... oh just beautiful.
Quart
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It's been awhile or awhile for me. This whole break I hardly got on the computer or sat at it, if you want to get involved in this technical bullshit. It was a pretty good week, atleast of what i can remember. Which then again shows you how worthless I am. I seriously began doubting my usefulness as a person this week, finding myself coming to the conclusion that i was a worthless piece of shit. I don't have a job (even though im dying to get one), I dont have any "skills" that really even matter, and with that i began to think about how people, such as my dad, grandfather, etc, all know how to fix cars, basically do anything to houses, know math etc etc. So what do i have to offer, i dont know shit about cars, i draw occasionally, i love music, i think to much and i dont accomplish shit, im a failure b/c of my grades, im probably percieved as a burnout, which i hope not b/c i think more highly of myself then that, yet i just fucking contradicted myself with the worthless remarks. I mean it passed, but i felt i needed to write it so it doesnt come back and kick me in the ass.
I grow to hate the things i find myself falling into more and more everday. Yes it is all choice, no one forces me into anything, and yes i can control myself, but i just do shit for dumb reasons. I cut back alot from where i use to stand, but the truthful reasoning for this is to cut down then to quit. In my heart i hate it, but words that i use to express my feelings towards it come out false, and I say that i dont mind it. So with that its over, i try to please others more then i do myself, and that is a tragedy, because there goes all my hopes for my own personal growth. Because i still just get caught up on my own little journey to try and realize what i want out of life. But i mean whatever, i come to the same damn conclusion, because i cant figure it out. The meaning for life, the meaning we are here... as a child you grow to gain knowledge, you get out of school, get a job, get married, mate to repopulate and maybe to continue on your families name, raise the children into respectful adults, grow old, and die.
Then there are the little footnotes that read, Find a Religion that fits you best, Have faith withing your boundaries, then have faith in the god of your choice, pray daily, go to church or continue with your private studies, and oh yea hate mormons. With these guidelines they say you can "more easily" find your purpose or belonging because your lost blah blah blah. And then this sorta ensures you a place in some mystical kingdom where everything is perfect, heaven, nirvana, zion, whatever the hell you want to call it. Which usually is put there to give people a little sense of meaning and acceptance. So once you move on past the religious chapter, if you ever do, you can then again debate on wheter or not that really ties into all of this. If it doesnt then you restart and start off at ground zero.
Honestly this is poorly written, sorry, but i havent written in a couple weeks so love me and think about the possibilities of you ever having sex with me, and we will continue at the same pace we usually do and move on with our lives.
Ill add in a few things that occured though over the week, I cut my hair off, not bald i mean its short, but not that short. I like it. Confronted myself, had a roommate for a couple days, went fishing, to the supercross, had sex... yea right, sorry matt for not coming over friday night i had to call it an early night i was out of it when you called because well i just woke up i love you man peace, and other stuff thats not to interesting.
im going to continue on with the "song" im writing.
I love you all. I mean it.
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Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
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"Can i touch your legs... Do i make you sweat?"
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Sunday, February 13th, 2005
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With the weekend coming to a close, i can say it was a damn good one. Friday night was awesome, i downed a six pack of smirnoff in about ten minutes, chilled with everyone. Saturday just hungout, my car is finally fixed, i washed it at toms, then came home and moved some new furniture in my room. It looks amazing, this is some nice ass furniture. I now have a couch with a fold out bed in it, and the first day i have the bed, the act of fucking took place on it. Sad to say it wasn't me who was perfoming this act, but hell someone needed to break it in, right? Might as well, because i probably wont be getting laid in quite a while, but no big deal, i can manage... i've managed for seventeen years so im not to concerned with it.
Today went to carrabas(however it is spelt) some Italian restraunt on barret for one of my uhh.. i guess you can say step cousins? well it was his birthday, and i have to admit it was some of the best food i have ate in a while. Can you become a bartender at 18, if so i think thats what im going to try to do once my birthday rolls around, two more months baby. Im not much in the mood for writing at the moment, so its not going to be that great of an entry, but i felt like updating so here it is... enjoy it as much as possible.
do you want to be my valentine ;)
Love,
Quarterman
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Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
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Anyone want
to take me
somewhere
beautiful.... where we can just
sit there
and drown in the comfort
of our
own voices
talk until
the sun begins to
fade
we can hear each other
out.
make poetry
with our words, and just sit there...
because
theres nothing id rather do.
I would ask
you...
but i dont know
if you would understand.
I have a
car.
All you have to do is sit back and navigate
because i really dont know where to start.
we will Listen to music
and just be free
from all our troubles.
i dont ask for
anything
but this.
.please.
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Monday, February 7th, 2005
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I've realized what im going to do with my life, and I think it will be for the best. I'm not going to tell anyone though, because I don't have the words for it quite yet. I play it out in my mind though, and i love every moment of it.
Im kind of scared from the past couple of nights, ive been having these pretty terrifying dreams. I wake up in the early morning, seriously drenched in sweat. I only have a single blanket on and a pair of shorts... and my room is probably the coldest place on this damn planet. So it scares me to sleep, because i can usually predict how the rest of the night shall unfold.
But the past five days have just been a blur, everything goes by in this steady motion. I cant really describe it, just picture the ripples from a stone hitting water... but slow it down a couple speeds. Thats how everything has felt to me. I dont enjoy it as much, because it comes with pretty consistent headaches, and my thoughts never seem to meet ends, they just flow... constantly flowing.
But what can I say its probably my fault from not taking the medication responsibly. I just quit taking them, i dont like the way they make me feel. I dont know if the antibiodics really matter, im sure they do, i thought they just were there to make sure i didnt get any infections, but i guess your not supposed to quit in the middle of them. I dont even think its any of that, for the way ive been feeling... but i really have no say in it anymore, because i think im going to get what i want eventually. I just have to put forth enough effort... which im sure i can do, say ive done it before.
I've had lack of self-esteem from my swollen cheeks, but thinking about it i dont even know if they were that swollen today... i've grown to accept that my mind seriously plays some sick fucked up jokes with me. Because I can get some totally distorted views of myself, and its hard to figure out whats real or not. Ill pray ill grow out of this soon, but now that i say it... when was the last time i prayed. I like the idea, but im not to good at following through with it.
I got a card from my mother today, beautifully written, short an sweet, and i liked the picture. Its always nice to get letters in the mail, i feel like an ass because i never write... maybe i will tonite. Im sure it would make her happy to get a card. I dont mean to come off as a heartless, careless, emotionless bastard at times... but i honestly think about writing, i write the letter in my damn head... but putting on paper for me is the hardest part, im to unorganized so i lack that step.
I've fallen for someone and i hit pretty hard. Thats right Bob Dylan, its you. His music is like a chorus of angels, singing privately for me as i sit here and write this. I never really took much of a personal interest in his music before. I mean ive heard of him, but i didnt think it was this damn good. You may disagree, but oh i love it.
I need a date for this weekend, going to dinner and some sort of entertainment... ill entertain you. But dates work better when you have someone to go with so im going to have to work on it for the next couple of days. If you are that lucky person, it will be a night to remember... maybe not, but it might get dirty.
Im in a good mood now. awesome.
Love
Quarterman
P.S. I have a totally new badass Adam Green layout, background, whatever the hell it is called. Actually just a picture but hell... badass.
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
quart's journal
disappointed.
blank.
curious.
Angelic.
excited.
Sexy.
enthralled.
dekcuf.
accomplished.